Welcome to my blog.

I am writing this to share my story to help others, To understand the effects of abuse during the abuse and it's long term effects.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Screams Unheard

I have no intention of ever hurting my friend and this is only the way I perceive our friendship. This has been going on for a few years. Today her and I are going to see each other. It has been awhile. Too long. I have this friend that I want to open my arms too and just make her listen to everything I ask her too. But I can't. I can't do this because I wouldn't be helping her. See she is an alcoholic and drug addict. She doesn't need the help from me she needs it from herself to herself. I love her like a sister but I know that she needs help. She was in a volatile relationship and I wasn't having it. I wanted to protect her. Not soon after I thought she was giving that guy up she flipped a switch and went back to him and not speaking to me for almost a year. I couldn't do anything other than let her make her own choice. When we talked again we caught up on things we had missed, even though I was a little guarded I loved having her back. I kept her secret a few years ago. Sitting in my car in her parents driveway, when she told me she was molested by her brother. I kept it because she asked me too. She wasn't ready for anyone else to hear. I think she told because I had shared bits and pieces of what my father had done to me. When I found out I was angry, and hurt for her. I had sunglasses on and tears filled my eyes but I couldn't show her that. I had to be strong but in my own mind I was chanting that piece of crap, what the hell did you do to my friend for her not to tell until now. Then I remembered he had a daughter. My heart sunk. Questions filled my head and I wondered if she would tell me anymore just to get it off her mind. How does my friend not want to tell the police, her parents? There is another victim right under his roof as we speak! But she was hurting and I was and still am for her. She has yet to get closure. I'm not saying to yell from the roof tops but he needs to be held accountable for his actions. I think it would help her know what she is worth to herself and others. See I learned recently that my friend told her parents. I was so happy for her. I wanted to let her know how proud of her I was. But I was blindsided by her mood swings and not knowing she has drug addiction. This is what bothers me is that she is so beautiful like a breath of fresh air. But she feels like she can't move on with her life clean and sober because that monster has torn her self esteem and ripped her strength from her. I want to yell at her and tell her "DON'T LET HIM WIN THIS FIGHT!!!" I had the label maker out too...everyone sees me now as this damaged for life person. I had hit reality and got some counseling and said to myself "I WILL NOT BE HIS OR ANYONE ELSES VICTIM!" You know what I'm not. I got my strength from telling my story and helping others. I want her to know she isn't alone we all love her. I don't like the person she has become. She scares me honestly. I don't want to read her obituary in the paper or attend her funeral. I would feel dumbstruck that I never told her how I feel. So, here I am wearing my heart on my sleeve once again. Wondering is she going to be angry? At this point I don't care cause at least I know she still cares and has her heart beating. If you or someone you know that has been molested, raped or abused please talk with them. She never showed up. Copyright © 2012 All rights Reserved

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Child Abuse Part IV Flash Before My Eyes

Continued From Child Abuse Part III Falling Through The System

I don't know why nothing was ever done but as months passed by I wondered to myself what will happen the next time he loses his temper. Will he kill me? If so, what would happen? Bury me? Say it was an accident?  Not things for any child should have to endear in their childhood.

I remember it was the last week of 8th grade, I was in a new school that year because nobody had known of the abuse. I was saving money to get a new bicycle. I had a paper route and was pretty impressed with my self that I had pretty good grades and could deliver to 300 plus houses in 3 hours and still do all my chores. I was tired but I knew I was away from him.

I was on my paper route and had to collect money from the customers so it took me longer then it normally did. My mother had usually went with me but she had to work. She had told me before school not to forget to get the payments.

My father was outside of our house waiting for me, he hollered at me to "HURRY UP!!!" I told him I had two more house to collect from and he just shot me a look like your dead. I was so scared then. Why was he so angry?  What made him hate me so much?

The neighbor I had been collecting from was in their 20's and it was a boyfriend girlfriend with other roommates that partied. The one guy asked if I wanted a soda I said no thank you just here to get the money for the paper. He said okay no problem let me grab the check book. He wrote a check out and he looked up and me and said don’t worry you are strong and you will do good things.

I didn’t know what to think. Did he know what was happening in my house?

The other neighbor wasn’t home for me to collect so I went home. My father was waiting, just standing in the living room looking like I had taken to long.  As soon as I walked in the door he kick me with his foot came in my stomach.

He punched me in the head, stomach and face so many times. All I could feel were hits like a hammer and the flaying of my newspaper bag metal hooks hitting me in the eyes. He hit my head so hard on the metal door that it dented the door then he punched me again cause it had a dent from my "stupid whore ass" as he called me.  But why?  All I can think of is because I had talked to the neighbor guy. He told me I was nothing but a piece of trash like my mother.

As my nose was bleeding and my eye swollen shut there was a knock on the door. My father told me to get my dumb ass in his room and to shut my mouth. I crawled to his room. I couldn't walk I was so badly injured. 

It was the neighbor I had missed collecting, thinking she wasn't home.  My neighbor lady told him that I had come over and that she was in the garden she was sorry she missed me and to see if I was home.

He said, "oh it’s okay she is laying down she doesn’t feel well". The neighbor said, "oh okay well I’ll bring her some goodies later then".

He was just pissed off and said, "yes her mother needs to take her to the doctor she looks horrible".

I know the neighbor knew what was going on but didn’t know how to say anything.
(Later on she did say something to my mother.)

He shut the door and told me to come out. Under his breathe he called her a nosy bitch. 

He looks at me and says yup you broke your nose that’s great.

All I could think of was why didn’t I grab a loaded gun from his room and shoot him.

My nose stopped bleeding and he then began to touch me inappropriately saying he loved me and that he couldn’t believe that he got that mad.

I started to throw up and so he called my mother to come get me.

She walked in the house horrified. She took me to the Emergency room and they asked what had happened and as I started to let them know she said, :oh she and her brother were playing around and she was going to run down the stairs and lost her footing".

In shock I had made up my mind I was going to runaway and never come back........

Copyright © 2012. All rights Reserved

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Child Abuse Part III Falling Through The System

Continued from The Endless Empty Apologies

The next day came so quickly I was wishing I was in a dream.  I dreaded the day I had to confront my abuser- my father. 

I asked my mother, "Do I have to go?"  She nodded her head.  I was confused, angry and hurt. 
We walked out the front door where my mothers car was. It was a two door cherry red Mazda rx7, that I loved.

My brother got into the backseat.  My mother buckled him up and I started to get in the back seat.  My mother said, "Why don't you get into the front seat."  Yes, I thought to myself.
We buckled up and backed out of the driveway.  We were listening to the radio, with the windows down and the wind blowing through my strawberry blond hair.  Having the best time with my mother and brother.

I was so excited that I had totally forgot where we were going until we pulled in the driveway of my grandmothers home. 

My smile went to a stone cold frown, my eyes went into full tears and begging my mother not to make me go in.  My mother turned the car off and got out.

I saw someone look through the blinds.  My heart just started thumping so hard.  I remember looking up at one of the huge cedar trees that lined my grandmothers property praying that damn tree would fall over.

Just then my door opened, you need to get out my mother said.  I looked at her thinking "fall and hit her!"  Wishing the tree would strike her.  I don't know why I was thinking that other then to get the attention off me. 

We walked up the driveway to the path to the door.  The door opened it was my grandma.  With her Rainier beer in hand, she looked at me like I was the devil.   My grandmother huffed and walked into the dining room where my father sat in a wooden chair. 
I kept looking around for my grandpa.  Even though he was my step grandpa he was the one that took care of me since I could remember.  I looked up to him.  He taught me a lot about the Native American culture.  He must have been at work.

My father looked at me and said my name.  My head snapped and I jumped to turn to him.  I was so scared of him and he could see the fear.  I think he fed on my fear and loved every bit he got.
He said, "it's okay I am not mad at you, I am mad at myself." He continued with his apology, I didn't mean to hit you like that.  I hope you can forgive me.  I will never hit you again. 

I stood there behind my mother holding her wishing she would say we are leaving.  There was something about him that made me not believe him.  He said come sit on my lap.  I froze I was out of my body.  My mother took me to him, and he grabbed me and put me on his lap.  I started to cry and he made me tell him I loved him. 

I didn't want to say it but I had to make the situation go away.  I thought I was protecting my mother and brother in some odd way.

My father asked to talk to my mother alone.  My brother and I went into the spare room.  I saw the phone and called my grandpa my moms dad and told him what was going on and that I was scared that my father would be coming home. 

I hurried and hung up the phone cause I heard footsteps.  Someone had went into the bathroom.  My mother called out to us. 
We came out into the living room where she was hugging my father and him saying he would be home soon that he loved her. 

I ran out to my moms car, it was locked.  I saw my mother from the corner of my eye and I ran as fast as I could down the street to my moms parents house.  My grandpa was driving his pickup down the road he saw me and stopped his truck.

I jumped in and told my grandpa what was going on.  My mother was so mad at me.  My grandpa told her how disappointed he was in her and that she didn't deserve to have kids.  That was just the beginning of the arguing between my grandpa and mother. 

He told my mom he was taking me to his house and that my brother could come too.  Since she wanted to be around all this "bullshit". without saying a word she took my brother and put him in the truck.

What seemed like an hour my mother came through the door at my grandparents screaming like a crazy woman.  My grandpa came out of the den were he and I were talking and told my mother to shut the hell up. 

My grandpa told me to go to my grandma and my mother to come to the den.  My mother was in there talking to him awhile and then all the sudden I remember the door opening and my mother wiping her face as she crossed the hall to the bathroom. 
My grandpa told me and my grandma to come to the den.  My mother walked back in behind us and closed the door.  My grandpa asked, "Do you want to stay here until your mom finds a place away from here?"  I jumped up and gave my grandpa the biggest hug ever.  My mother was just blank, no emotion. 

I stayed a few nights until my father decided it was his time to go back to our house and I had to go back too.  I don't know why but nothing was ever done about my abuse that time.

Copyright © 2012. All rights Reserved

Friday, February 17, 2012

Child Abuse Part II The Endless Empty Apologies

Continued from Getting Into The System

I sat there looking out the window, watching the birds fly by the window.   I just wished I could fly away with them and go where I wanted, without consequences from anyone. 
I snapped back in reality when the principal said my name.  I looked at him with my eyes full of tears. 
The CPS worker asked, "Are you okay?  Do you need a few minutes alone"?  I remember my stomach just painfully hurting with almost a stabbing feeling.
I replied, "I think I am going to get sick."  I ran to the bathroom as soon as I got there I saw the sink I threw up.  I ran to the toilet and threw up some more.

My face was the hanging over the bowl and I was trying to hold my hair back when I felt someone grab my hair.  It startled me.  It was the CPS worker while my mother stood at the door way of the bathroom.
She was trying to help me and I just felt odd.  Empty.  Lost.  That was the first time I felt like an outsider cared about me.  An outsider to me was someone I wasn’t familiar with.

She asked, Are you okay?  I replied, Yes I am fine, Thank you.
My mother was standing in the doorway still looking like I just took away the most important thing from her.  She spoke.  She said, "Did you know they went to your brother’s school and questioned him"?  He is in Kindergarten!  Kindergarten!  She repeated.  I said, "Okay". 
Okay? Okay?  That's all you have to say?  How in the hell could you do this to your family?  I looked her straight in the eyes and said really how could I do this? 
I ripped my shirt off my head and took my pants off.  It hurt but felt liberating to show her what this monster did to my body.  I was thinking how in the hell can you think the way you do?  How could you let this happen to your daughter?! 

Don't ask where I got the courage what I did.  I felt like I had to.  She had been beat herself from him.  Why is she defending him?
As I was pointing to my shoulder and said, "Yes I do know." 

"Look at this oh and this one here" as I touched the lower part of my back.
She looked at me like I had just slapped her in her face.

I told her how much I hate him and that I would never forgive her for not believing me and letting him do this to me.
She came to me and hugged me.  She told me he would never beat me again.  Just another person to brain wash me.  Maybe she was just trying to convince herself?

At this time, she or anyone else for that matter had no idea that I was being sexually abused.  I don't even think I knew that it was wrong at that time.  
My mother had to sign some papers saying if or when my father was to be released from jail that he would not have any contact with my brother or me.  My mother agreed and signed. 
The principal, CPS worker and police officer looked at me with a sigh of relief.  My mother took me home.

We pulled into the driveway where a police officer had been waiting with my little brother.  I was so happy to see him as he was happy to see me. 

My brother whispered to me, “I told the police man that daddy grab you by your neck and made red owies.”
The officer from the school pulled in behind my mother and talked to her by herself as the other officer walked us to the door and talking to us.
He handed my brother and I both a stuffed animal.   My mother walked to the door and said, "Will you take your brother to your room I have to give some stuff to the officer".

I started crying.  I replied in a shaky voice, "I don't want to go in there."
My room had been the room of abuse for such a long time I had thought of it as the worst punishment from her, like she wanted me to never forget anything.

The officer said, "It’s okay go in the kitchen and get a snack with your mom”. My mother brought us into the kitchen and gave us a Twinkie. 
My brother looked at him in all excitement yes we get a treat!  I laughed. When was the last time I had done that?

As I peered around the corner of our galley kitchen where the bar was my mother went to her room grabbed some clothing for my father.  She put them nicely into a red duffel bag.  It stunk like an ashtray in our house.  Just the smell reminded me of my father.

The officer said, "We will take these for you to his mother’s house so you don't run into him at all".  There is a temporary restraining order on him, you are not to contact him and he is not to contact any of you.  You should be safe tonight from everything.
That man in my eyes was my savior.  He could say no wrong at any time.  He got that monster away from my true family.

My grandpa (my mom's dad) came over and asked my mother if she wanted to move in with him and my grandma.
I could over hear their conversation that they were trying to have privately.

My mother replied, "Dad I can't, not when he is being released to live with his mom".
My grandparents lived seven houses away from each other.  If it wasn't already awkward enough that he could get out and drive two miles but to live as neighbors, no not going to happen.

She spoke as she had with my father at the times where he made her feel like garbage.  More less scared, confused-----broken down into nothing.
"He will kill me, he will take my kids and I will never see either of them again", she cried.

My grandpa just looked at her and said, “When he gets out you are not to call him or see him and you keep those kids away from him!”
She was crying and asked, "What was she supposed to do if he did”?

He said, “Call the damn cops”!
My brother jumped up behind me and scared me. I wasn't expecting him to come up to me.

He said lets go see grandpa.  We went out to the living room and saw our grandpa.  He always had a way to make me feel safe and that he would love me no matter what.  I was my grandparent’s first grandchild on both sides of the family.  He visited for a while, until my brother and I fell asleep. 
The next day was...let’s say bittersweet.  I woke up feeling so relived not a care in the world.  Just like every kid should feel.  Safe, secure, wanted and loved.

The phone rang that morning, we were eating breakfast.  One of my favorites as a kid Mickey Mouse pancakes; it was the police officer he let my mother know that my father had been released.  She panicked.
I remember her just running to the door locking it, grabbing my brother and me and putting us in the bathroom, with her blue eye shadow and black mascara running down her face from her crying.

The officer must have told her he was on his way because I remember her saying, “okay I'll stay here” and him showing up.
The officer told my mom he won’t be contacting you if he knows what’s good for him.

I just thought God, I wish that was my dad, he is so nice.  He can protect my mom and us kids.
After he left the phone rang it was my grandma (my father’s mom) I answered and she said, “where is your mom”?  I said, “right here”.  She replied, “good put her on the phone”.  I told my mom its grandma.  My Grandmother snapped back, “I am not your grandma you liar”!  My mom heard and hung the phone up.

The phone rang 4 or 5 different times.  Finally my mom answered.
My Grandmother was so mad she was yelling at my mother so loud I could hear her.  She was yelling, that my father never hit me and that I was a horrible, spoiled brat that deserved to get a whipping.

My mother told her she should see the marks and then the phone was quiet my father had taken the phone away from his mom and told my mother that he was so sorry and he loved us so much he would never ever hit me or any of us ever again. 
I was so scared.  After a few minutes on the phone she said, "we were going over there tomorrow and that I needed to talk to my dad".  Really I thought I don't want to talk to him.  I hate that man!

Copyright © 2012. All rights Reserved

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Child Abuse Part I Getting Into The System

Why the topic you are asking yourself? It's kinda the unspoken that people really don't want to confront or at least that's the way I have perceived the people around me.  When reading this I feel you will get a sense of how my life was and the effects it still has on me.  The stories I am about to tell you are not the beginning nor was it the ending of his abuse.  It started when I was around 8 years old and continues today even as a thirty year old woman.  With no connections of that part of the family.  My family now is only my husband and children. 

I grew up in a very abusive home. My father would hit me with not only his belt but with his hands, fists, weapons, a bamboo stick or what ever else he could find. He broke my nose twice before the age of 13. He molested me from age 9 until 13. He was also very verbally abusive. My life had been so miserable and I continued to think everything was my fault.

My father beat me so bad with a bamboo stick that I couldn't even exercise at PE.  The gym teacher and other students saw the bruises on my legs and back.  That's when CPS had came to talk to me at school in 6th grade I was horrified. Who told? It wasn't me, am I going to get beat again?

 The ones who saw the bruises were the ones who told. I couldn't go home. If that's what you wanna call it. The CPS worker was at the school before the last bell of the school day with a police officer.

The principal saw me getting ready to leave school and asked to have a word with me in his office. I was so scared. I told him, that "I can't be late or I will be in trouble".

He reassured me that it was okay and that my parents knew I was there. I thought oh God this isn't good. I turned in his office and saw the police officer and a lady around the age of 40. She had a worried and half of a smile. The police officer looked at me like wow this child is scared out of her wits.  I must have been shaking like a leaf.

The principal had grabbed my shoulder in a matter of love but it hurt because of all the bruises, and from being thrown around like a rag doll. He shut the door and told me to have a seat.

He then proceeded to ask, "do you know why you're here?"   I said, "No, sir".  I was raised to have the up most respect for adults no matter what.  I asked myself had something happen to my mom or my brother?  Did my father finally finish what he started?  Had mom shot my father?  At that point in my life I had always just thought of the worst possible scenario.  Sometimes I wished and prayed that he would just die so my brother and I never had to see him ever again.

"Well.....you are here because we suspect abuse at your home. Can you tell me if we are correct or...."

Before he finished his sentence I started to cry.  I mumbled out what goes on in our house stays in our house.

You could see the color in all three of them leave. The CPS worker looks at me and said, "you know you can say anything to us and we will protect you from whomever is hurting you".

I looked at her like woman you have no idea what your saying my father is 6'7, 280+ and he isn't scared of anything. Your just as crazy as they come.  I told her, "if there was ever a day where anyone could save me is if God would take me away". The room went stale, and her breath was taken away. She was speechless.

The police officer must have noticed some bruising and welts because he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm a father of one beautiful young lady just like yourself she is a year older then you and I would do anything to protect her".

My wheels started spinning. I thought what if my dad is trying to protect me, maybe I am the wrong one, maybe this is the way. I had been brain washed to the point where I was defending him.  What the heck was wrong with me?

The officer looked at me and said, "do you understand?" I asked, "if you protect her what do you do to do that? Do you spank her?"  He answered, "no his wife and him didn't believe in spanking". I asked, "so you think hitting is wrong?"  His response was yes I do, and I see that someone has hit you a lot.

I looked down. I was ashamed. I nodded my head yes. He asked in a sweet voice was this someone you live with? At this point I was crying so much my face was red, hot, and sweating. I said yes, its my dad. He said his name and I said yes.

He told me how brave I was and the CPS worker and the principal were talking to me but it felt like I was in a bubble floating away. I didn't hear anything.  I don't think I wanted to hear anything other then you're going to be okay, we will protect you.  All I heard was my own voice saying, you are so stupid!  Now you are really going to get it!  Then in my fathers voice, you are a disgrace to this family you are no longer my daughter.

The officer said he had to talk to someone and he would be right back. I hit reality again. I thought oh, crap I am dead. He came back in and said, "tonight you will be safe your mother is on her way".

Then they talked to me some more about how school was going and how important it is for an education.  I didn't care I was more worried about what the consequences were going to be when I got home.

My mother showed up about 15 Min's later. She had been crying. I though she is crying for me cause I'm hurt and she didn't protect me.  How wrong was I.......?

She walked into the office and said, "why did you start this!  Your dad is in jail!"

I was so taken back, I felt alone. I prayed that God would just take me away.

Copyright © 2012.  All rights Reserved